Adulthood (just a misplaced childhood)

Reading one blog (please forgive me in my ignorance in remembering), someone defined their home as their first 'non-child' home, not wanting to define themselves as an adult. It started me thinking about how I define myself? I think of myself as an adult, most of the time. But when did this start?

I think it started with my decision to stay with one person rather than living a selfish, self orientated life. This made me take responsibilities of things. There is no more moving or leaving when things are not fun or are not working out how I would like. I had to stay and work things through. Like an adult.

Deciding to have one partner was also a big step for me as I used to like having fun with lots of different people. Different men for different parts of my personality. One for my creative side. One for my intellectual side. One for my 'sluttish' side. One for teenybopper side. One for my need to conform side.......

Although I have had monogomous partners before, that was more me playing grownup and thinking through unrealistic expectations. I can remember that very early on we would plan on getting married, having children, talking about when we were old (yet only a few months later look at moving for a new job as I was unsatisfied with the old one).

I didn´t fully feel like an adult with my first child. It was too unreal. Being pregnant was more real, but having a baby was like having a complicated doll (or maybe I was too tired to think).

When I had to start telling off my children (or child at that stage) I can remember thinking that I did not like this. I would like to have a happy well organised house where children act appropriately. I want lots of laughs and fun. I don´t like telling my children what to do. Or 'disciplining them'. It makes me feel like an adult when I have to do it. It makes me cross and grumpy and ends up in a vicious cycle.

Budgeting and saving for serious things like a house, instead of travelling and having fun makes me feel like an adult. Making long term plans. Never been much fun.

Feeling older physically. Being tired at the end of the day. Not interested in going out so much but happier to sit and read a book, watch a DVD (with my glass of red). And on that note, actually buying wine for taste, not just cheap price. Being more interested in clothes for comfort than clothes for style (OK on reflection, the few occasions that I do get dressed up I find an inconsisent pleasure in getting my husband to rub his hands over the mix of satin and rubber in my skirt, although not actually fitting into the groovy clothes after two children has an enourmous effect on the relationship between me and clothes). These things make me feel like an adult.

But the biggest effect of feeling like an adult is the reactions from the people around me. People don´t like it when I am silly. Or maybe they just don´t understand it. I don´t have any silly friends here or know people who are silly. The people I know are even sophisticated when drunk (well actually, in my peer group, I am yet to see one drunk). I don´t know people anymore who put traffic cones on their heads, make skirts from aluminium foil and dance to Devo. I don´t know anyone who will sit and sing 80's tunes, badly, loudly and obnoxiously. People I know don´t even get up and dance to groovy music unless it is with their husbands/partners and only when the right music comes one and never first. I don´t see anyone in pyjamas at 10am because they are too lazy to get dressed. I hear people talking about me, though and who tell my mother in law how shocking it is. I don´t know anyone who wears clothes other than mainstream. When I wear my carpet skirt over pants (as my thighs have grown) people just look away and make no comment. Or my baby doll dress which I love as it is furry (although they do ask if I am pregnant). In my effort to acclimatise, I have GROWN UP!!!!!!!!!!!! Don´t know if I like it, though.