Who am I?

My sense of self has changed as my language skills have grown. The more German I speak, the more settled I feel. The more belonging I feel. Less of a stranger.

When I first came here, I was treated as a foreigner. I can remember a situation where I asked for directions and the man told me he didn´t know. My husband coming from the other direction didn´t see me and asked the same man for the same directions which he then gave.

Foreigner. I couldn´t get a job as I couldn´t speak the language. I had no friends as I couldn´t talk to anyone. I was scared to talk on the telephone, go shopping, meet people, read a newspaper, leave the house. Me!!!! Someone who travelled throughout the whole of Europe alone. Who went to Africa. Who moved all around Australia. Who sought out opportunities without fear (yes, I am Superwoman is disguise). Yet all this changed when I came to live in my little village. I became a mouse. All because I was isolated. I was lonely. I was fearful and desperate.

But with time, I took risks and started to communicate with my bad German (with children you are often placed in situations where you have to talk). I took my little dictionary with me at all times and said what I wanted even if it took so long and was incorrect. I realised that I had to stop worrying about what people thought about me. I was often treated with contempt, and often this made me feel sad, but I realised I had to purservere as I made a choice to live in this bloody country (this did not mean that I didn´t spend copious hours bitching to friends in e-mails or crying or writing blogs or hiding away when things became too hard or drinking wine .......... add in any number of other coping mechanisms).

But eight years on I can now speak in most situations and understand what is being said. I will still come across new words or ideas that I haven´t learnt yet but it gets less and less as time goes on. I was so proud today when I read a whole letter and understood every word. I feel just as comfortable talking in German as I do in English. I have German speaking friends. I have moved onto a new stage of my life where I am more relaxed. I enjoy life so much more. I am able to focus on other aspects of my life, like my felting and pottery and my garden. I don´t feel the pull of having to run away to somewhere more comfortable (which doesn´t exist anyway). I don´t need to hide. I´m back. (Just don´t ask me to write in German. Sweetheart and I will learn together).

(and for all those interested, todays posting is a result of me procrastinating instead of reading about sociolinguistics and the formation of identity. It just got me thinking about my own situation).