Tuesday, May 27

The grass is always greener

When I was working (ok, not working but slaving away for well over minimum hours with only minimum wages and no overtime pay) I always dreamed that if I wasn´t working, my life would be wonderful; I had dreams and lists and plans of what I would achieve. I didn´t exactly have a plan on how I would achieve this, but saw myself perhaps as a stay at home mum, married to someone who would be able to support me and who would encourage me to follow my dreams. Money was not an option. This made my working day bearable.

Then a situation arose at work that I was no longer able to live with. I had to make a decision of what I would do. Would I find another job in another organisation where I would be undervalued and overworked? Would I go back and study and change careers? No. I decided that I would be hedonistic and travel the world. Fullfill one of my life dreams. I realised that I was already of an age where many people are married with children and a mortgage but I was following my green grass. It will definitely be better travelling the world. And it was (although let me write a little adjunct here. While travelling the world is great. I think the problem is when you stop. I have known many world travellers that stop at a certain age to find that they are starting on the employment, mortgage, children ladder to find that other people are starting out on adventures. With money, as they have worked for all their lives and their children are grown and mortgages are paid off (or were in the (g)olden days).

I travelled Europe, Asia, Africa. Not as much as I wanted to as I took it slow. I stayed a week here, a week there. I followed up on opportunities. I went on the train and just got off where I wanted to. I followed interesting people and learnt fabulous things from them (let me advise you, see Rome with an architect). And when I needed money, I was lucky enough to walk straight into work in England. 4 months work with enough money to travel for 6. But I fell in love very early on. Travelling seemed lonely when the one I love was so far away. I discovered my first grey hair in the Backpackers in Budapest. The wrinkles are growing. My tan is becoming one of those glow in the dark things from being in the sun all the time. Travel becomes cliched when all you do is see church after church and Australian backpacker vomitting on Absinthe again and again. I felt old. The average travellor was about 23. I left Australia when I was 28. Where was the green grass? I gave up travelling to be with my love (oh yeah, the baby in my belly from being careless didn´t help. But let me say in my defence, we had the marriage arranged before the baby).

So now I am living in domestic bliss. I had the dream pregnancy, only in the sense that I wasn´t required to work as I didn´t have a job I could go to´(I had such a horrible pregnancy that I wouldn´t have been able to work anyway, but that it another blog). I spent time at home reading, making art works, going for walks in the forest, cuddling my honey. Talking about what we wanted for our child. (I did go on a last holiday to Slovenia, but the constant indegestion and oedema meant that I was in constant pain and didn´t really see much). Lovely.

Then baby comes. A mother here gets money from the Government for 2 1/2 years if they stay at home. At the end of this we decided that we would take F.´s maternity leave and travel Australia for 6 months (unpaid). We came back and baby no.2 was made. This takes me up to now.

I´m in a unique position that I don´t have to work. My husband, who earns less than I would in Australia, seems to make enough for us to live simply here on one wage (don´t ask me how, as I used to do financial counselling and I can´t understand how people can afford to live here so well. But they do. I could also get into the fact that child care in our village in non existant requiring me to stay at home until a child goes to kindergarten, which for my children is nearly age four. I could also expand on the fact that school and kindergarten finish here at 11:30 each day (starting too bloody early) meaning that a working mother would have to have their own child care opportunities for their child as very few job opportunities are available for this time frame which I don´t have, resulting in me maybe having to learn how to adapt to one wage, but these are all supplementary to the story). We have to be careful. But we have enough to live happily. I love the time that I have with my girls. I love the fact that we have limited stress within the home. No rushing in the morning except to get Sweetheart to kindergarten. Then Herzie and I can have a bike ride, play, work in the garden and do things together. I´m available to take my girls to activities. I can have coffee with my friends on the pretense that it is important that children play together. But am I happy??????? NOOOOOOOOOOO.

One of my students now lives in England and visits me. She is doing exciting things in our field. She is so developed and respected and constantly learning new things (and earning lots of money). My other colleagues (friends) are also doing exciting things. Me. I am changing nappies and breaking up sibling fights. My mind is turning to mush. I want to have everything. I want a career. But with the stress free options that I have now. Like having a Nanny, yet still having personal contact with my children (I know, add another 20 hours to the day). I want all the green grass that exists in the world. I want everything......... But I know I can´t have it all (and just cry quietly on my own).

My solution and mind saver to this is to study. I have enrolled in a Masters Course at UNE. I love learning. I love sprouting information that I have gained. I study at night after the girls are in bed. I´m a much better student than I was the first time (less time spent in the Uni Bar I think). Yet these past few weeks I have discovered that while I love learning, I don´t like the testing and assignment aspect of it. (Yes I know. I just can´t be satisfied). But I still spend time dreaming about future careers I can have. Spend time dreaming about how F. can work part time and follow his dreams when I am working. The grass is always greener (as long I don´t let in the reality that chances are my degree will not enable me to work here).

3 comments:

Ariane said...

I am studying too, and seriously struggling with the artificial assessment. I have found that the less effort I put in, the higher the marks. I can't quite work out what that means.

Currently I have a first year post-doc lecturing me. She is constantly lecturing us on time management, while this is the worst organised course I have ever done. Since I am doing this for my own amusement, it is all I can do not to chuck it in.

I don't know if it helps, but I can relate to everything you say here, I've felt all that stuff, I want it all, I want to be brilliant in my career, I want time to spend with my kids, I want time for a relationship with my husband. And I constantly wonder if I should be doing something different to make it all better. Maybe this is the beginning of a mid life crisis... :)

Kris said...

I relate too. I've always worked, apart from mat. leave, but even so, having a kid deconstructs the old identity and you have to create something its place, and you gain and lose in the process. I think this won't ever end - it's part of being a reflective mother.

On the learning issue: I can remember very little from my first degree, and often wonder what kind of student I would be this time around. Better, I think, and definintely more engaged.

What are you studying?

Sara lechner said...

I read some of your blog because we're in the same Ravelry group and I notices your story is very similar to mine. I was born in Argentina, travelled and married in Austria at the time you were born... this means I'm going to be 60 this year, but I think I'm 35 yet...
I would like to meet you. Would you like to visit me some time this summer? I see so many similarties and I mastered many situations in Austria, got children, etc.
My sister in law lives in Australia.
my email is in my profile in my blog.
have a nice Sunday,
Sara