I have discovered that when you live in a small village, you live with a cross microcosm of society. When you live in big cities, such as Sydney, you find stereotypes of social groups, but they are usually isolated to different suburbs. Here, you live with everyone. You have the colourful Oxford Street group. The individuals who do what they want. The radicals. The alternatives.The suburban. The working class. The educated. The elite. The pillars of society. The downtrodden and suffering. The happy. The sad. 1200 people devided by their social position.
This can be interesting in terms of variety, but can be difficult in terms of finding people who you relate to. When you look at typical averages such as age of marriage, level of education, country of origin, career opportunities, political stance, I find myself in the minority. My values are in direct conflict with the values of others. While I don´t claim that my values are of more importance or are better, my values are the way in which I choose to live. This can be difficult when people are in direct opposition to these values.
The reason why I mention this is, is that the daily struggle with my oldest daughter is the result of these differences in values. Her best friends come from a different value system. While I admit it was funny at the time when her friends said that they wanted to work in a supermarket when they are older, to which my Sweetheart said 'I`m not allowed to. I have to go to University', it also recognises the differences in how they are being brought up.
My daughter is not allowed to bring sweets to kindergarten or cake or anything which does not have much nutritional value (which is actually a kindergarten directive). Her friends take each day a treat here which is cake with a creamy, sugary filling, called a Milchschnitte. She is not allowed to take toys to kindergarten. They have enough. Her friends take a Barbie each day. She is supervised regularly and I take time regularly to play or read with her. She has a science box, a music box, and educational toys. Her friend´s mother buys a cd of bedtime stories as it was getting too much to read a story each night. Sweetheart is not allowed to watch TV often. Just when she is sick or it is raining. Her friends would spend at least 3-4 days a week watching TV all afternoon. S. Has Orthopeadic shoes designed for children. Her friends wear flip flops. I mean the list can keep on going............
Now guess which my Sweetheart wants to have instead of what she has? She constantly feels left out. Her friends say that she is not allowed to play with them as she doesn´t have the right clothes, right toys, right (insert as appropriate). Her friends are not allowed to visit (most probably as one mother works so much that she cannot reciprocate to supervise and I won´t let my 5 year old be supervised by her 10 year old daughter and the other mother and I don´t know what to say to each other when we are together). S.´s favorite game is McDonalds (which she only gets in school holidays). She plays this religiously (maybe because her friends go at least 4-5 times a week). She says that her life would be complete if I gave her chewing gum (in fact if she will give up sucking her finger if she will get a packet. The only thing she has agreed to).
Again, I would like to reinforce that I don´t presuppose that my values are better. We both want different outcomes for our children. I want to have a worldly, educated self sufficient child. One who can make choices for herself in this world. One who can have different experiences and has the resources to make this happen. Similar to my own experiences. Other parents have different expectations. Others may view my expectations as being unrealistic, setting my child up for failure. Why have a Uni education just to be a housewife (like how I turned out)? Other´s may not like this as it will mean that they will have to leave the village (just for point of reference, I don´t know many people who have left the village. My father left in 1969 and they still talk about him. Everyone stays. This is very positive in terms of family relationship. Australia has no concept of this. My family of about 70 people, for example, all live within 10 minutes drive of each other. Community living is a different notion from what I understand. But yet I can still see many positive supportive elements about it). It still doesn´t make my situation any easier.
I have questioned whether I should give in and let S. have what she wants so she fits in with her friends better? I asked a friend of mine who is my fount of wisdom. But she pointed out to me that when S. is older, we will both appreciate the fact that she has had boundaries in her life. I am actually creating more opportunities for her as she can choose to give it all away and work in a supermarket. Yet if she chooses to have a profession, she can have that as well. A child who has boundaries now means that when she is a teenager, we have established that she can´t do exactly as she wants, and hopefully not end up a teenager mother or something......
I think that I have become a snob by circumstances. I think if I was in Australia I wouldn´t think about things so much. The people I knew were all similar like me and we think similarly. It is the constrast that I have been exposed to that leads me to question every situation for my children and make more conscious decisions. My poor children end up being more restricted as a result. I think it is the contrast that creates this situation. Not just for my children but for me as well, which in return reflects on my children. My poor children, I´m sure people think. But then again, I think that my children would be poor without the experience and knowledge I give them. I´m not going to give in. I´m going to raise my children in how we (my husband and I) think is the best, even it means that we will end up being a bit isolated in our community (and thank God we know people with similar values as us. Just need to work out a way that S. Can make friends with their children). I remain as ever, the village freak: And proud of it.
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8 comments:
Yeah! Stand proud!!
It's funny you do a post on this subject - only yesterday I was day-dreaming of an older Monet (who is 3 and already a bit of a world traveller) and hoping she gets to backpack around to parts of the world, like I did. I want her to study and have the opportunities I did plus more. But the most important thing is for her to be 'open minded', to realise there is a lot more 'out there' and that anything is possible, when you set your mind to it.
Yay for you village freak..... Seriously you sound like you are doing a fantastic job, giving you girls a rich life. Parenting is a constant struggle in many ways and this way you have hit the nail on the head. My son for instance is always complaining that he is the only one without a playstation 2, the only one who does not go to Mcdonalds every week, the only one who does not get to stay up all night, the only one blah, blah, blah. The easy thing of course is to give in (which sometimes I do), the harder option is to stay strong and stick with your principles. This is not snobbery this is parenting at it's best. Keep up the good work oh inspiring one...J
Good for you! It sounds to me that you are far from a freak but simply a caring and responsible parent. I wish more people in the UK had your values!
Thanks for visiting my blog. It's always nice to meet new bloggers :)
Much kudos to you. Thinking about parenting is always better than following without thought.
I completely understand how the contrast with other people makes you more determined. I am exactly the same. I find myself occasionally having to check my motives and make sure that there is a good reason why I am saying no, not just because the idea came from a source I am resisting! :)
Your daughter is getting a lesson in the fact there are many different kinds of people and different ways of living. Teaching her to go her own route, while still being friends with people who are different from her, is a good early start. For her and for her village friends.
Hooray for you .. and all village freaks. If it is any conciliation I know what the feeling of isolation within the community is like even living in Sydney. Before we moved to the Inner West (and had our little boy) we lived for a few years in the Sutherland Shire. While we lived in Sutherland we never really fit in with the community and its values. Like you said it is not that we thought our values better ... just different.
I understand it must be harder with the children though. If it is any conciliation I think that you are doing a fantastic job and I am sure that with your guidance your girls will grow up to be model citizens of the world with unlimited possibilities.
hehe, village freak that's funny!.Children are the messages we send into the future and you can and you can be assured that one day your children will understand and appreciate the values you shared with them.
We are having this conversation about educating our kid at the local public school at the moment. We live in an area where, traditionally, there hasn't been an emphasis on any of the things you - and we - value. We are worried that in sending our kids there we are sending them into an environment that is totally alien to their own and while it's good to be exposed to difference, what if it is difficult to make connections across those divides (and everyone do hangs out with people like themselves - it's called homosociality).
In the end, I guess you just have to believe in your path and recognise before long your kids will be making their own judgements about that path and accepting and rejecting as they see fit.
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