Please let me apologise in advance

My typical way, when I am so excited at usually small things, I jump in feet, head, body first, total immersion. I was so excited at finding a medium for my stories (I should explain that I have always seen myself writing collections of stories like you read in the newspapers. Witty ironical observations of things. These stories go around and around in my head. Written, rewriten. Over and over and over and over, growing, not allowing much room to spare) that I threw myself in, inviting all my friends (both Austrian and Australian) to view my little glories. I didn´t think about how a possible audience may react. Again, typically, my foot is in my mouth. I was just too excited about finally letting these stories out and making space for new ones on my head. I just didn´t think.

A friend, someone who I really like as a friend, someone whose opinions matters to me, telephoned to say that I haven´t been nice in my posts. I apologise. And I apologise in advance for anyone I may offend in future. I don´t mean to be nasty. I want to be nice. Deep down I want to be liked by everyone. I want to live in a perfect world. And sometimes I may be mean unintentionally, most probably more than I think (and sometimes intentionally too, but usually then I am in a bad mood or have PMS).

In my poor, weak defence, I would like to say that my intention with this blog was to get my stories down. These stories are part fictional, part truth, part personal history, part imagination, part original, part stolen from others, part what I believe, part lies. These are just my stories. It might be something which has affected me for a long time (like my mother-in-law´s opinion about my cleaning skills) or it might be a fleeting glance which brings around a story idea (like a rather largish woman wearing a bikini). Usually it is something small, such a discussion (argument) with my husband about what our garden should look like. As I said, this is my world. When I write I´m not thinking about what exists outside my world.

I´m sorry about the cliche´s I have created. I must admit, not all women in Austria are big (in fact, in my village, people are on average more slender than in other towns I have lived in. I am (or was) among the larger of the women of my generation). Most people in Austria do not wear bikinis all summer. Most people here do not vacuum outside their houses (or I assume they don´t but I have seen two who do). People here have gardens I like and there are many of their gardens I would like to have. There are a number of different restaurants in Austria. In fact, I ate at a mexican restaurant last week. My daughter doesn´t frustrate me most of the time, just sometime. My girls are not the wildest in the neighbourhood. They also wear jeans a lot too. There are many things I like about Austrian and in all truth, I could not have the life I have here in Australia. And I like my life. But as part of my fictional perogative I have overextend ideas and thoughts. I expand into areas which are totally fiction. I write things that aren´t true. Or may be true. I use examples generally, not specifically (unless it is stated specifically). All used to help try and get across an idea, thought, feeling, observation. These ideas have become my stories (also it would haven´t the same fictional effect if I spoke of the truth all the time). But please don´t take it personally. I didn´t intend it that way.

At the same time, please don´t use these stories to evaluate who I am. I admit, I am complex. My mind runs at 100 miles an hour. I am an analyser. I have to assess every situation. My way of assessing things is to compare it to what I know (or what seems concrete). I know that this may come across in the wrong way. I know that people think that I am putting down Austria when I constantly compare it to Australia, or that I don´t want to be here, or I don´t like things here. Trust me, if I was still living in Canberra, I would be substituting Canberra for Austria. And I like Canberra too. Some of my best friends are there. It is only my way or sorting out this world I live in. I know that people may think that I seem negative all the time or I only say negative things when I make comparisions. That is not my intention. Most of the time I think positively (not always. But who does). I can´t write all the stories in my head. So please don´t use what I have written here to determine who you think I may be.

I also can´t guarantee that what I write will not offend. So please, if you read my stories, keep in mind that I am writing primarily for myself. Not for anyone else. I´m sorting out my own thoughts. I´m sorry if it sounds like I am being mean. Sometimes I don´t objectively think about what I write, the effect on other people, the fact that I may have blatantly put down a whole culture. I can put my foot in my mouth so easily and often do. Sometimes some topics are very meaningful for me and maybe things will come across negatively. Feeling isolated in a new country due to language barriers and some of the experiences I have had have left some negative thought process in me. But that doesn´t mean that I am a negative person. It also doesn´t mean that I intentionally want to hurt people with what I write. It is my feelings I am expressing and I´m sorry if it is at the expense of others. So if something is not clear about my intention, send me a message and I will most probably say something like, I´m trying to express me feelings of isolation here, then tell me if I succeeded. Maybe my writing isn´t clear. Or my intentions aren´t clear. I´m always available to discuss things further.